Shattered

Lord, through many things I have done out of the overflow of my heart I have noticed more and more that there are deep patterns of mistrust of you. As if you have not been faithful in the past since you created Israel. As if you are mean and manipulative. As if you want to take advantage of me. As if you want to dangle gifts in front of me and take them away. As if your word declares promises that aren't true.

Woe is me for I am an unclean man. Romans is right. There is none who is righteous, not even one.

If you abandoned us, oh how forsaken we would be. How deep in despair would we live. We would not be able to love at all, not able to forgive. Not able to feel love joy peace. Consumed in our own needs, which would never be met or satisfied.

Father, I have pursued abominable cisterns. Shameful, disgraceful, reckless.

I am blown away to find that you would welcome a prodigal with a feast. Stunned.

Please help me let go and enjoy your sovereignty rather than run from it in fear, attempting to make provisions for an alternative. As if I were You. Forgive me that this is not only a thought that crosses my mind, but the default of my trust. I lean also on people around me and what I can get from them and how THEY can meet my needs rather than coming to you for everything and loving people rather than using them.

Lately I've found myself holding back from saying what I really think to try and seem fun and enjoyable- when really people need to be crossed sometimes (wisdom and discernment needed here) Security in people is just foolishness- because we are always changing our minds, incredibly inconsistent and completely selfish a lot of the time. Why on earth would I substitute such an anchor for the GOD of the Universe? Remarkably illogical. I've traded all of that security for something tangible. And prostituted faith for emptiness. For control. For an illusion. For false approval and comfort. Scarily reminiscent to those who God gave over to their sin and devoted to destruction.

Idolatry is also a deep rooted issue. Jesus, I want people to praise me, to enjoy me, to think I am attractive, humorous and wise. Ben's Kingdom is not advancing quickly enough for my taste. Your Kingdom is subservient to mine, the means to the end of my glory.

Father, rescue me in my perversity. Jesus, you are my exclusive hope before your Father. Amen